XxForbidden-LoveXx

1. Would you have sex with the last person you texted? Already have LOL
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? UNcorrect
3. Have you ever taken someone's virginty? No, I wish.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? Yes.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes, today
6. What are you excited for? Graduating, bitches.
7. What happened tonight? I sat on tumblr...
8. Do you think it's disgusting when girls get really wasted? If I said yes I'd be a hypocrite lol.
9. Is confidence cute? Yes, unless you take it too far.
10. What was the last beverage you had? Water
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you actually trust? Like... none.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yea
13. What are you gonna do saturday night? Getting fucking wasted off my ass
14. What are you gonna spend money on next? I have no idea, I'm broke.
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? No, I wish
16. Do you think you'll change in the next three months? Probably not
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My best fran Hanna
18. The last time you felt broken? Today.
19. Have you had sex today? Lol how'd you know? Yes.
20. Are you starting to realize something? That I'm a broke, drunk, slut?
21. Are you in a good mood? nope
22. Would you ever swim with sharks? HELL NAW
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dads? Idk
24. What do you want right this second? The guy I'm in love to be sitting next to me.
25. What would you say if the boy/girl you like kissed another? Nothing, but I'd be heart broken.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Nope
27. Would you be able to date someone who didn't make you laugh? Depends on the sex, but probably not.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Mean Girls lol
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes, and I just saw him today. Fuck.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you talked to? No, I love him.
32. Does the person you have feelings for know you do? Yep
33. Are you one of those people that never drinks soda? I always drink soda
34. Listening to? The tv in the background
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Hardly ever
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Probably at home
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? ehhh not really
38. Who did you last call? My brother in law
39. Who was the last person you danced with? I honestly don't rememeber
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I love him and he drove an hour to see me?
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Don't remember
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Nope
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Who hasn't?
44. Do you tan in the nude? Lol no
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Never
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Naw
47. Who was the last person to call you? My sister
48. Do you sing in the shower? No
49. Do you dance in the car? ...maybe
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes actually
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Idk my passport picture?
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Oh hell yeah but I still like them
53. Is Christmas stressful? Yes
54. Ever eat a perogi? Yep
55. Favourite type of fruit pie? Apple
56. Occupations you wanted to be as a kid? A princess motherfuckers
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
58. Ever have a dejavu feeling? Yes all the time
59. Take a vitamin daily? no
60. Wear slippers? nope
61. Wear a bath robe? nope
62. What do you wear to bed? pajamas
63. First concert? Marianas Trench <3 they were amazing
64. Wal mart, target or kmart? Wal mart
65. Nike or Adidas? Idk Nike?
66. Cheetos or fritos? Cheetos
67. Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds babyyyy
68. Favourite taylor swift song? Oh lord either Back to December, Last kiss orrrr innocent
69. Ever take dance lessons? Does gym class count?
70. Is there a profession you seeing your future spouse doing? Tattoo artist or piercer
71. Can you curl your tongue? I can do many things with my tongue
72. Ever won a spelling me? Lol no
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? noooo
74. What is your favourite book? Tooo many
75. Do you study better with or without music? Depends
76. Regulary burn incense? No
77. Ever been in love? A few times
78. Who would you like to see in concert? oh lord too many bands to name
79. What is the last concert you saw? Marianas Trench, Anami Vice and Down With Webster
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hotttt
81. Tea or coffee? Tea
82. Favourite type of cookie? Sugar cookies
83. Can you swim well? Yep
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes maam
85. Are you patient? Not really
86. DJ or band at a wedding? DJ
87. Ever won a contest? Yes
88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope
89. Which are better, green or black olives? Both are disgusting
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Oh lawd that ship sailed a long time ago. Fuck whoever you want whenever you want, I don't care.
91. Best room for a fireplace? Living room
92. Do you want to get married? Maybe some day.

I think tonight is the night.

Well, it's been a really lone time, hasn't it dA?
I'm sorry for the long absence, a lot has been going on in my life. Where to begin?
Let's talk about how I'm feeling. I need to get it out here somewhere, and since I don't go on here very often, it'll kind of be like writing a journal entry right? Only everyone can read it. Maybe people will find it one day and then they'll realize how I'm feeling. I'm not to good with talking about it out loud, see. I went to my school counsellor today. Told her how depressed I've been, that I still cut myself even though I've told many people that I've stopped. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I feel like they don't understand. I feel alone.
When you sink this low, you'll do anything to try and forget. For the past while, I've been doing some pretty bad things. Smoking, drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning, sleeping around, lying to people, cutting myself. All because it makes me feel better knowing that I'm hurting myself. I don't give a shit if I die, and I'm to the point of offing myself anyways. I honestly think somedays I won't make it to graduation.
Doing all of the aforementioned stuff makes me feel better, but it also makes me hate myself more than I already do. But Shelby, you ask, why do it then? The simple answer is I don't know.
I am a really, excuse my language, fucked up person. I don't know what real happiness is anymore. I can't remember what love feels like... all I know how to do is to screw guys and then run away. I don't want any sort of emotional connection with them... I use them, and I let them use me. The one guy I like, I've never actually met in person. We talk on the phone, and it makes me feel a bit better, but whenever he's not around, I start thinking to much. I've been losing sleep. I won't eat and then I'll eat too much. My depression follows me wherever I go. I'm an empty person, going through the motions but the smile you see on my face is never genuine. People tell me they care all the time. I don't believe them.
I should probably be taking some sort of medication, but I don't know how I'd go about getting that. And I'd probably hate myself more for being so weak.
So I don't know if this will be my last journal entry or not. I'll either get better or I won't. And if I'll never get better I see no point in living the rest of my life feeling like this.
To whoever cares, I'm so sorry I couldn't be stronger. I just can't beat this. Forgive me.

Peace,

Shelby Rae Ellen

I really don't guys. Being grown up means you have to make all the choices and I'm so scared of messing up. I'm really gonna miss everything being so simple... I hate my town so much, but I know I''m gonna cry when I leave, because I'm gonna miss my friends. I went to go visit them today and I almost cried... cause I realized we only have a year left together, then it's time to go our seperate ways.

You can't wait to grow up and be responsible when your little... and then you find out how people really are, and the world actually is... that it SUCKS.. and you really just want to go back to the days of crayons and trading snacks at lunch. Cause the truth is, people fuck me over all the time, and when your little? You have it so easy. Everything is handed to you. And just... you lose friends, and you know when you do, but you wish it never happened? Sometimes you just grow apart and there's nothing you can do about it? You grow apart from the people that matter most, and everything is just.. crappy. You have to stress about school and university, money, jobs, love, friends. I just want to be little again.

...angst over.

I had a really super awesome day today guise. It was great.

I went to this try-a-trade thing where you walk around and try a whole bunch of different trades. Lol pretty straight forward. That part was completely boring, but everything else was fricking hilarious. Because, apparently, I'm a pornstar. Cause I talk to guys. LOLOLOL I killed myself laughing (along with everyone else) because I'm the farthest thing from a pornstar you could get. I'm pretty much asexual. I don't mind when my friends wanna make me the butt of the joke, I just laugh along with them.

Then I went to work, and holyyyyymotherfucker it was SO busy. I was trying to make wings, but I was running out so I was like fuckfuckfuck and had to put more in the deepfryer and it was just ugh. Haha and now I'm babysitting for my sister. And I gave myself a manicure. I like spoiling myself sometimes, get ova it.

Hrmmmm so I'm totally in love with Shinedown. I have two of their albums, Amaryllis and The Sound of Madness, and they are both FUCKING AMAZING. I've yet to download their other two, but as soon as I get my computer back. Oh yes. AND THEY WILL BE AT UPROAR OMGOSSSSH I'M SO EXCITED.

Soo that's pretty much it, I think... OH pre-grad this weekend. I hope I can get a ride, cause it sounds like it gonna be epic. For those wondering, pre-grad is a huuuge-ass party.

I need to get my lisense. Like soon. I've only gone for it once. I should proobably book another one. Like tomorrow. xD

Peace out ya'll!